Starting a New Chapter

I will try it again tomorrow. That was my motto for so many years of my marriage. Every day would go by, and I would feel insignificant. Like I wasn't doing enough to be a good mother, or wife. I was failing on some level until I realized how truly unhappy I was inside, and out.

Through the trials that the Lord has given me, I have seen that sometimes divorce really is the best option. Not just for the children involved but for the health of everyone in the situation. I should have known years ago that my marriage was over before it really started. Given the circumstances, and the shortcomings on both of our hands.

I wanted to marry a member, and became discouraged with the LDS dating scene. I settled, which I never suggest anyone do. It tried my faith over and over again. But the one thing still standing strong now is my testimony and love for my children. The greatest gift I have ever received.

I don't blog often, but I think I need to start. I need this private outlet through this time. I need the space to talk about what I can't on a daily basis.

I also want to be an example for positive divorces and co-parenting. I don't want this to be bitter and ugly. I don't want drawn out court proceedings and bitter custody battles. That just isn't my style and frankly I have always hated confrontation.

I will rely on the Lord through this time, and pray for the strength we will all need to make it through this transition.

Trial and a Biological Clock

Children are a gift from God. We are mere mortals that are chosen very carefully to give Earthly bodies to our Heavenly Father's children. To guide them, parent them and of course show them the way of the Lord.

I have been struggling deeply with the idea of having more children. I know my family is not complete with only three. My husband on the other hand doesn't think about the blessing of a baby but instead it is the dollar signs that come along with each new mouth to feed and body to clothe.

Could we afford a fourth or even a fifth child?  If we made some small changes in our life. We don't need 7000 channels on cable, or even a boat. These are luxuries I would easily give up to enjoy the blessing of being pregnant again.

I have been reading the Baby Making Machine blog and her funny posts on convincing her husband to have a baby in 30 days or less have really got me thinking about it again.

My youngest child is no longer a baby but a bright toddler so full of ambition and curiosity. I feel like it is just time again to fire up the old uterus and get going. Maybe I can work on 30 days to convincing my husband a fourth child won't be that big of a deal.

A Lifetime of Learning

As a convert in the Church of Jesus Christ for Latter Day Saints I find myself always feeling disadvantaged because I was not raised with the Gospel in my life. My learning and understanding of the Gospel feels dwarfed by those who have the extra decade or two of learning.

It is not a jealousy issue though. It fuels me to teach my own children the Gospel. Whether it is in Primary on Sunday morning or in our home. It is a challenge though as my husband knows nothing of the church and I am still learning daily.

This week I got an amazing quote in my e-mail inbox. A LDS gem I subscribed for on the subject of family. I am looking for scriptures to talk with my children about or use as a teaching tool. This one though, it stopped me in my tracks.

"Learning to fully understand the doctrines of the Gospel is a process of a lifetime and comes 'line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little, there a little' (2Nephi 28:30). As children learn and act upon what they learn, their understanding is expanded, which leads to more learning, more action, and even greater and more enduring understanding"  - Cheryl A. Esplin - Teaching our Children to Understand - General Conference, April 2012

After reading this I made a stunning realization that most of us rarely stop to understand. While we are parents, we are also still children - children of our Heavenly Father. We are ever expanding our knowledge and understanding of the Gospel.

Today years and years after my baptism I have a different understanding of many Gospel principles. Some fueled by trials in life, some fueled by parenthood... and others by callings in church.

I am still learning every day, and learning besides my own children is an amazing gift. Pardon my language, but I think it is pretty freaking cool!

Do you take time to learn the Gospel alongside your own children?

Wordless Wednesday ~ Forgiveness